Even when you know something is coming, it can still feel like a punch to the gut.

My cousin Tassy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in the winter/spring of 2008 and given four months to live, but being the spunky Greek ass kicker we all knew, she defied the odds and fought back. Sadly for all of us, that fight ended this morning when she passed away about two weeks short of her 42nd birthday.

Tassy was not my biological cousin (she was married to my cousin Derek) but she treated me and pretty much everyone else in her life like family. She was the type of person who was generous with her laughter and who would do just about anything she could to make others happy. She loved to travel and try new things and she was so ethusiastic and full of life that was hard not to be the same when you were around her.

The week before Ben and I got married, she called the apartment bubbling with excitement and offers to help with the wedding. She asked me questions about my dress and questions about Ben and made me promise if I needed anything I would call her because she was just a phone call away. I didn't end up taking her up on it, but the phone call left an impression on me because she sounded so assured and confident whereas up to that point, I had felt a little like a big ball of nerves. Well, I thought, if Tassy can be confident with everything that's going on with her, I can be confident too.

And I was confident. Confident about the wedding and confident that Tas would get better because she was smart and strong and good and because, frankly, that was the only way it seemed fair.

Never in my life has it hurt so much to be wrong.

I don't know what comes after life, but I remember seeing a movie once where everyone gets to live their best day over and over for the rest of eternity. So, I like to think that right now, Tassy is doing that and having the time of her life away from hospitals and tubes and all the other horrible things associated with being sick.

Maybe she's on a rollercoaster or maybe she's eating ice cream with her family or maybe she's soaking up the sun on the beaches of Greece like she did when she went last year. Wherever she is, I hope she's happy.

Rest in peace, Tassy. We love you and miss you muchly.

J

November 8, 1967 - October 23, 2009

I'm going to stop lying about why I'm not writing here and just be honest.

I haven't been writing because I've been depressed.

Depression runs in my family and it's hitting me hard right now. My cousin got kicked out of the drug treatment plan for her cancer and there's no other treatment so there's nothing else we can do but wait and I am wildly unhappy about my work situation right now and there's no places hiring so there's nothing else I can do but wait.

So most days I feel sad. Sometimes it's big and sometimes it's little, but it's pretty much a continuing theme of sad. There are bright spots, the main one being my fabulous husband Mr. Hum. He's been my cheerleader in all of this and he's a huge part of the reason that I can continue to get out of bed in the morning because he encourages me to think forward to happier times or backwards to happier times. And one of those happy times was the wedding. I truly love the memories of our wedding. And there is this part of me that doesn't want to taint those happy memories with this unrelenting funk of mine.

So I'm not writing. At least not here. I've started writing over at another blog about ridiculous pop culture stuff because it's easier to deal with then all this wedding stuff, so if you want updates, that's where to go for now.

I will eventually be back here to finish up everything. Just give me a little time.

XOXOXO,
Mrs. Hum

Hello out there in the land of the internets. It's been a while since I blogged and I fully intend on resuming my recaps soon but we got some bad news in my family recently that just kind of kicked me off of it.
My cousin Tassy, who I've mentioned previously, was told by her doctors recently that the cancer is back and the growths are bigger than last time. The chemo has stopped working, so they're trying other treatments, but everything is experimental. We're all trying to be optimistic because she's a really strong person and she defied the odds last time, but the whole thing is kind of scary and shocking.
I guess after the last round of treatments, as naive as it was, with the tumours shrinking and the doctors giving a good prognosis, I thought that everything was over. I mean as it was, when we all originally found out she was sick, I didn't believe that there was any other option than recovery. Even when I gave her a hug back at the wedding in June and felt for myself how skinny she'd become after all the treatments, I just thought to myself "This is all temporary. All there is now is for her to get better and stronger." And now, that all just feel so far away and I feel so foolish for not realizing what was happening.
Anyway, I know that anything is possible and I'm convinced that if anyone can get better, it's Tass, but I figured it at least wouldn't hurt to put some good juju out there and to ask anyone who reads this to do the same.
Thanks,
Mrs. Hummingbird

A picture of my family. Tassy is the one on the far right.